the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Randomize
