As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
