I didn't shave. On purpose
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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