By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
