i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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