i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
