u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
This house was built for laser tag.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize