I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
