Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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