Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
