this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
