Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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