Sry I called you an 8
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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