Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
