I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
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