I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
