I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
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pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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