I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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