Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Do vagina's smell?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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