Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
