1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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