Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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