Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
