I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
