There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
