So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
