Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
