I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
