Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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