and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
