highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
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