its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
