Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
