my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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