i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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