I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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