i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
