So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
