i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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