What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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