god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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