he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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