i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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