I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
