That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
