hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I want her autograph on my taint
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
