I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
my poor anus
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦â€
Randomize
