oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize