Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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