Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Success! We fucked roommates!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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