every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
