you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
