fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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