I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize