I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
