I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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