My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
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