I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
